Confession #1
So there’s something that has been bothering me for a while now but I don’t know how to put it into words. Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely and distant from my friends. Maybe because I saw tons of photos on Instagram of my not-so-old friends hanging out together while there’s me scrolling through my phone at home. Is it because I’m jealous of them or upset by the fact that I have no one to hang out with? Idk. I watched Tara Michelle’s vlog yesterday and she mentioned about making efforts in friendship then I came across this one comment. The person who wrote it says she was awful at communicating and keeping in touch which caused her to lose some of her friends. This had me thinking that maybe all the time I was ‘friendless’ is because I didn't put much efforts into any friendship I’m in.
I’m that person who never talks in a group chat, only responds to any text only if it is necessary, let alone text anyone. I used to be very active in group chat. I was what they called the overenthusiastic responder. I responded to every single reply. It was really fun because I enjoyed cracking jokes and stuffs since my friends thought they were amusing. But something terrible happened. I can’t recall what happened on that day but I remember feeling irritated and stressed out. I was in a completely bad mood. Me and my classmates, we were talking like usual in the group and this one friend of mine said something that completely left me furious. Without thinking, I wrote something that hurt his feeling. So, he left the group. I felt awful and guilty. I cursed myself for not being careful with my words. I sent him a long ass text messages apologizing and admitting my fault. Good thing he forgave me. I even cried when he finally did. Later I found out he's just being playful, to see how I'd react though I personally didn't find it comical at all. Whatever. Since then, I took a precaution step by not involving myself too much in the group chat until I become the person that just reads but doesn’t reply.
I want to reach those friends so badly but they all live far from me (even my best friends) and I hate virtual communication. It’s funny how I’m on my phone 24/7 yet I never initiated a phone call with anybody. I interact with strangers online day and night yet rarely with my friends. Everytime I wanted to hit the call button, I always had these questions lingering inside my head; what if they’re busy, what if they’re with their family or friends, what if they’re asleep, what if they're texting their boyfriend/girlfriend. So I ended up ignoring it. Honestly, I much prefer face-to-face communications. They’re more intimate. Plus, there’re so many things that can be talked about. Also, I can determine the person’s emotions and feelings while talking to him/her because he/she is in front of me. Meanwhile texting, I can't determine what's going on inside their head or how they're feeling because they're bypassed when I text. Also, there are certain things that cannot be described by words or represented by emojis. Sometimes I throw in a little Skyping and videocalling but I feel like it's not enough because of disruption caused by Internet line, for example. Even though you can type a long ass paragraph of text I still feel like the number of words are limited. Maybe it's just me.... I guess now that I don’t text much I become terrible at it. Haha. It sucks ’cause I’m living in a digitized world where most communication takes place via electronic technology. Right now I’m trying to respond once in a while. Sigh, hopefully I can improve my virtual communication skills.
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