And it's been like this my whole life. Throughout my existence, I constantly feel as if I'm too detached from everyday life — too much of an analyzer to immerse myself in it without feeling like "I'm acting". I've always been the second option for the people I've grown close to. I've also been taken for granted and have felt generally unloved and left out. Upon meeting new people, I find myself feeling slow and awkward — sweaty hands, a thick tongue, my voice echoes in my ears as I simply try to speak. So I quit speaking because the words never sound quite right as I say them. I feel weird, I feel wrong. I think everyone else can see it too. The whole experience is as sort of drowning. The isolation occupies my lungs up so full that I cannot breathe. It's both an emptiness and all-consuming suffocation. I feel so consumed by the shame of my situation that I find myself forgotten how to interact with other people on the few opportunities I get to be around them. I avoid seeing old friends even when I want to see them, even when I'm secretly craving connection. When I'm alone, I begin to have crazy thoughts. Strange thoughts. And when I'm alone, I'll do anything not to be alone. I went on social media for hours, binge-watched Netflix and Youtube videos, read books or Medium entries, played with my cats, did house chores. I used to bear a lot of resentment towards people who I wanted to be friends with but never made an effort to be friends with me. Especially those on social media platforms. And here I am putting myself out there just like everyone else. Every time I saw my friends hanging out through their Instagram stories and Whatsapp status, I wondered why did all these people have such deep connections and I was left desiring?

My social skills suffer. It's unavoidable that people will have their opinions about me. My friends always wonder why I can't snap out of it. I also wonder why I can't snap out of it. People talk about social anxiety as if it's only nervousness. Like something I can just practice away. They don't see how it's an honest symptom of my pain. Or how the loneliness is capable of destroying me in more ways than one. I had people telling me that I'm not alone. They said things like how they're in the same boat as me and that they've been right where I am. And I kinda knew that they're lying as soon as they started telling me on what I should or shouldn't feel. Among certain types of people, my reputation is ruined. They think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Loneliness isn't feeling like I don't really know anyone but it's feeling like nobody could really know me. I'm not all sunshine and rainbows. I suffer because I don't realize how negative I sound. If I speak about being lonely, there will be people who judge me for it. People who not only think my feelings are all in my head, but also who take offense to my cries. As if my pain points a finger out of them.

However, I didn't realize that my loneliness is mainly my fault. 

Most of us are lonely and a social misfit in this world. Nobody cares for anyone except for our parents (well, up to a certain age). But so few of us are willing to do anything about it. Every relation is based on some expectations in return. People care because they expect. We're actually really self-absorbed if we look at it. We think everyone should invite us somewhere. That they should take our feelings into consideration when they might not even have a clue as to how we're feeling. We expect them to be mind readers and to revolve around our every need and feed the friendship. I come to realize now that it was all about me. And here I am wondering why I'm lonely. The reason why is because I'm not a friend worth having. Friendship is hard because it's not something we just fall into. It has to be fought for. We have to climb our way into people's lives and most of us are willing to give up at the drop of a dime. They didn't call back? Good riddance. So I continue to grow lonelier and resentful when all people are really asking is if I'm worthy of being a friend worth fighting for. And sadly for most of us, we claim that this relationship is one-sided. That it's all about me and my needs. Keeping up an actual friendship and to be someone worth knowing requires real human interaction. However, it's an unfortunate reality that often relationships do change and friendships deteriorate and people drift apart. It becomes more commonplace the older I get and I've become repeatedly hurt by these realities. A lot of the time it doesn't have to do with us, it's just how people's priorities and world views change. There is one advice for us from the oldest philosophical wisdom which is to know ourselves. Without recognizing ourselves, it's almost impossible to find a healthy way to interact with the world around us. Being alone and connecting inwardly is a skill nobody ever teaches us but learned through ourselves.

2013. It was the worst year of my life. However, despite it being horrible and tragic, I could still remember clearly and vividly every single thing that happened that year.

I didn't do well in PMR. I got 6As out of 9. In my school, there are only 2 streams provided for students; accounting and science. So, students who score above 6As are automatically brought into science stream meanwhile those who don't perform are placed in account stream. Since I didn't meet the requirement, I had to take up accounting instead. Science stream consists of 5 classes meanwhile accounting only has one class and it is known as 'kelas budak tak pandai'. Being thrown away into that class, I was left with no friends because they all went to other classes. I had hard time adjusting myself since I knew nobody except this one girl because we used to be classmates. I tried to make friends but I just couldn't click with anybody so it was pointless. Even after months had passed, I still felt like a stranger in that class. 

I weren't happy at all. I smiled, I laughed but it felt pretentious and fake. I'd convince myself that everything's gonna be fine. The girl that I previously mentioned, she was my deskmate. I thought we could become good friends since we knew each other and we both weren't familiar with our new classmates. But I got it all wrong. She had bright personality and she's friendly so she clicked with them instantly. Without my close friends around, my personality changed drastically. I became quieter and less sociable. We spoke to each other once in awhile... only when it's necessary. She would ignore me most of the times till I got this impression that she maybe didn't like me that much but later on I learned that she's a snake anyway. I've always felt lonely. I've used to not having that many friends. But that entire year, it was the loneliest I've ever felt my whole life. Even though I was surrounded by bunch of people, I felt outcasted and disconnected from the world. As if what was going on around me didn't matter. 

Since I was friendless, I couldn't concentrate on my study at all. I failed three subjects during my first examination. As a result, I was ranked the lowest in class. I didn't bother to study or do homework. I didn't pay attention in class. My least favorite subject was Modern Maths and Add Maths because: 1) they're difficult as hell 2) the teachers were plain rude and insensitive. Sitting through the lessons was a numbing experience for me. Since I could careless about these subjects, I was clueless. Maths isn't my forte so I was pretty slow at it and my teachers would get furious at me. They'd humiliate and mercilessly teased me in front of the class every time I made a mistake. Every so often they would hit me while belittling me, calling me stupid and lembab. I had to endure the humiliation and the urge to cry because I didn't wanna be seen as spoiled and weak. Once class was over, I would run to the bathroom and shed tears. I am a sensitive person. I don't mind physical torture but I can't handle rudeness and harsh words. I wish my teachers knew how much their words had affected me terribly. To the point they destroyed my self-esteem.

Because of that, I despised school (still hate it). I would fake being sick just so I didn't have to go to school. I'd pretend to have fever, heavy cough and migraine. Sometimes I'd take advantage of my asthma. But there were times when I was actually sick. In a month, I'd skip school three to four times and that's considered a lot because my school is very strict regarding attendance. I got called out by my homeroom teacher who happened to be my Mod Maths teacher. When I told her the reasons to my absence, she'd make fun of me, saying things like, 'Ingatkan dah mati'. Istg I'd give her a kick in the face if she wasn't my teacher. It's hard to swallow the truth but teachers can be assholes. After  three months, I finally built up the courage to tell my parents that I wanted a transfer to another school but they refused. They didn't seem to believe me when I told them that the school was giving me a nightmare. Instead, they gave me a whole lecture on how to adapt to this new 'environment'. I shouldn't have gone to them. Involving them with my problems was a mistake.

Since I could barely holding up, I attempted to commit suicide twice. When life doesn't go your way, it's better to just leave from this world than accepting everything. At least that's what I thought.

My first attempt was a para suicide. I was home alone one night. I went to the kitchen to grab something to eat since I was starving. Then I saw a knife on my dining table. I was drawn to it. As if it was calling my name. I stared at it long before I picked it up and pressed it at the back of my wrist. I couldn't feel anything so I pressed it harder. I cut it deeper until the blood oozed out. It was painful but I just wanted to end this emotional suffering. Looking back at my teenage self, I pity her. No one could pay her to relive it. The incessant worry about where she did or did not fit in, the feelings of isolation, the feeling of somewhat removed from her classmates, constant pressures from her teachers, it was the lowest point of her life. She was angry, angry with herself. The pressure was killing her, the pain was blinding her. Hurting herself is a way to defuse the anger that she felt inside and to punish herself. It's also a way of easing out the emotional pain.

My second attempt, I overdosed on 3 packets of flu medications. I was going through a mental breakdown and had already told my parents that I planned on killing myself but they thought I was joking. Tbh, it was indirectly a cry for help. Even though I felt like I wanted to die but deep inside, I just wanted to be saved, to be helped and to show how serious the problems I was having. After taking those medications, I was asleep for the entire day. My parents got weirded out because I didn't once come out of the room. They'd wake me up but I didn't bulge. They realized that it's a suicide attempt once they noticed I had the packet of pills in my hand. I eventually was awaken by my parents' voices calling my name. I was so dizzy, could barely stand straight, everything was tunneling in and fuzzy. I was having hallucinations and shaking uncontrollably. I was severely tired to the point that I didn't even have any energy to get up. My parents offered to take me to the hospital but I didn't want to. I was sick like this for a few days.

So there’s something that has been bothering me for a while now but I don’t know how to put it into words. Lately I’ve been feeling very lonely and distant from my friends. Maybe because I saw tons of photos on Instagram of my not-so-old friends hanging out together while there’s me scrolling through my phone at home. Is it because I’m jealous of them or upset by the fact that I have no one to hang out with? Idk. I watched Tara Michelle’s vlog yesterday and she mentioned about making efforts in friendship then I came across this one comment. The person who wrote it says she was awful at communicating and keeping in touch which caused her to lose some of her friends. This had me thinking that maybe all the time I was ‘friendless’ is because I didn't put much efforts into any friendship I’m in.

I’m that person who never talks in a group chat, only responds to any text only if it is necessary, let alone text anyone. I used to be very active in group chat. I was what they called the overenthusiastic responder. I responded to every single reply. It was really fun because I enjoyed cracking jokes and stuffs since my friends thought they were amusing. But something terrible happened. I can’t recall what happened on that day but I remember feeling irritated and stressed out. I was in a completely bad mood. Me and my classmates, we were talking like usual in the group and this one friend of mine said something that completely left me furious. Without thinking, I wrote something that hurt his feeling. So, he left the group. I felt awful and guilty. I cursed myself for not being careful with my words. I sent him a long ass text messages apologizing and admitting my fault. Good thing he forgave me. I even cried when he finally did. Later I found out he's just being playful, to see how I'd react though I personally didn't find it comical at all. Whatever. Since then, I took a precaution step by not involving myself too much in the group chat until I become the person that just reads but doesn’t reply.

I want to reach those friends so badly but they all live far from me (even my best friends) and I hate virtual communication. It’s funny how I’m on my phone 24/7 yet I  never initiated a phone call with anybody. I interact with strangers online day and night yet rarely with my friends. Everytime I wanted to hit the call button, I always had these questions lingering inside my head; what if they’re busy, what if they’re with their family or friends, what if they’re asleep, what if they're texting their boyfriend/girlfriend. So I ended up ignoring it. Honestly, I much prefer face-to-face communications. They’re more intimate. Plus, there’re so many things that can be talked about. Also, I can determine the person’s emotions and feelings while talking to him/her because he/she is in front of me. Meanwhile texting, I can't determine what's going on inside their head or how they're feeling because they're bypassed when I text. Also, there are certain things that cannot be described by words or represented by emojis. Sometimes I throw in a little Skyping and videocalling but I feel like it's not enough because of disruption caused by Internet line, for example. Even though you can type a long ass paragraph of text I still feel like the number of words are limited. Maybe it's just me.... I guess now that I don’t text much I become terrible at it. Haha. It sucks ’cause I’m living in a digitized world where most communication takes place via electronic technology. Right now I’m trying to respond once in a while. Sigh, hopefully I can improve my virtual communication skills.

I know that this happened a couple years ago but I just feel the need to share this experience that I had just in case any of my reader would find it beneficial and helpful (if you're interested in taking foundation in TESL).

My interview session was held at UiTM Machang. There were two slots for the interview; morning and afternoon. Mine was in the morning. It's at 8am if I'm not mistaken. My father and I had to leave the house at 6 because it took two hours to get there. Throughout the whole journey my chest felt like it's about to burst out, my hands were cold and trembling and all kind of worst imaginations flooded my mind. Because I was so scared and also worried that we might not make it on time, my tears started pouring down like crazy (lol). However, we managed to be there before 8, thank god!

By the time we reached there, we're greeted by a guard. He told us to go to the faculty building (where the interview took place). We were lost for a moment because the space was so crowded. There's supposed to be a signboard somewhere but we didn't see it. So, a kind officer came up to us and led me to the second floor where I was supposed to check my number and panel. I started panicking because I saw candidates were lining up outside of the lecture rooms, ready to walk in anytime. The interview was divided into two sessions which were writing and speaking. For writing test, there were objective questions, reading comprehension and essay. Before the test began, we're briefed by the lecturers regarding the rules and regulations. For me, the questions were a bit challenging, some were tricky. The essay question that I got was on 'how to manage your stress'.

Now that the writing test was over, it's time for the most nerve-wrecking moment, the interview session! Guess what, I was the first candidate. Being the first candidate in the interview process has its pros and cons. The pros are you no longer have to be anxious or worried while others are still in the middle of the 'struggle'. Also, I believe the most productive time is in the morning. The downside of it is you don't get to hear other people's opinions and experiences so you don't really know what to expect. Before the interview began, we lined up according to our turns. I didn't get to share conversation with other candidates because I was so nervous. I heard my name was called from the inside of the room. As I walked into the room, I could feel the tension began to ease. Strange. There were two female panels. I greeted them with a salam and handed out my files containing my exam slips and certificates. I stood in front of them until I was told to sit. Remember, do not sit until you're invited. The interview kicked off with question about myself.

"My name is ____. I live in ____. Previously, I studied in ____. Recently, I joined a post-SPM English language programme at ____ for 3 months.

Keep it simple. You don't have to explain everything about you, only essential information. I don't remember exactly what the next question was but I believe they wanted me to know more about post-SPM English language program that I participated for three months (prolly because one of the interviewers saw my certificate) so I told them all activities that were carried out during the program. The third question was the typical one, 'why I applied for this course'.

"I'm very passionate about English bla bla bla... besides both my brother and mother are teachers therefore they inspired me to become a teacher." Lame answer, I know. Last question was regarding the writing test. I gave them my most honest answer.

"How was the question? Was it hard?"

"It wasn't difficult but I find them tricky and challenging. I had to read through the questions several times before answering."

Here comes the most surprising part:

"What was the essay question?"

"The essay question was about how to manage your stress"

"So how do you manage your stress?"

WHAT?! Okay I totally didn't see this coming. So I just explained all my points from the essay. LOL.

And... it ended. It only lasted for five minutes. I never thought it'd be that short. I felt relieved because there's no 'killer' questions like latest issues or education-related stuff. BUT you still need to read on those things because who knows if they might ask you. So that's basically how my interview went. I don't have any tips for this interview since I suck at giving and following them.

The panels just wanted to hear you speak so just go for it. Don't be intimidated by them, they're just there to interview you, not interrogate you. It's okay to speak with accent but if your accent makes you hard to be understood by the interviewers, then you need to cut it off. Your accent doesn't matter, speaking clearly does. It's important to have good grasp of grammar. You're gonna learn a lot more during asasi therefore understanding basic grammar rules can be an advantage. It's okay to commit minor mistakes but never too much.  As you're reading this, I've already finished my foundation year which means I passed the interview, Alhamdulillah. If you wish to be selected for the interview, make sure that Asasi TESL is the first choice on your list. Good luck for your interview. May the odds be in your favor~

18/07/16

I was welcomed by a baby kitten about three weeks old in my backyard; light brown fur with huge, blue eyes. She was lost and alone. I had no clue to how she happened to be there. I waited for her mom to show up but she didn’t therefore I decided she needed to be taken in. Taking care of her was a time-consuming process which required devotion, patience and attention. She was given special round-the-clock care. I grew to love her as days passed. It’s impossible not to. She’s very clingy (could be because she’s been separated from her mother early); so I was imprinted as her true mother. Every time I looked at her, I could tell that she’s lonely and there’s sorrow in her eyes. But still, I abandoned her sometimes because I got stuff to do (well, not really).

And I regret it now…

So two days ago, I found her missing. I asked my dad regarding her whereabouts and he said a boy had taken her so she could be returned to her mom. Later that evening dad saw her in the middle of the road on her own. Her back legs were broken. I was informed that my neighbors’ children had abused her. I felt my muscles tensed and my jaw clenched. I lost count of the times I was swearing the hell out inside me at that moment. This had my blood boiled and my temper flared. Who the fuck dare treating her like that?! Very inhumane! She had tears at the tip of her eyes. SHE WAS CRYING! My heart ached so much seeing her suffer. She became orphan after about few weeks out in this world and now she could only rely on her front legs to move around.

And today…

I saw her lying on the floor with her eyes half open, frail and weak. I tried to feed her but she refused. Then I placed her in a box. My heart strongly believed that she’s close to the end. I left her for a while and by the time I came back, she’s…gone. Her body position didn’t change and she wasn’t breathing. Part of me feels relieved now that she’s been saved from pain and sufferings, however, part of me still doesn’t want to let her go. I thought I could see her growing up but God loves her more. I promised myself not to let any tears out, I couldn’t help myself. If tears can make a stairway I could walk the path to heaven and bring her back again. I still want to play with her, feed her and hold her in my arms. I love her so dearly… if love alone could save her she would never have died. I’ll miss you my dear child, for I could never measure the happiness you brought me, the warmth and the pleasure.