2013. It was the worst year of my life. However, despite it being horrible and tragic, I could still remember clearly and vividly every single thing that happened that year.

I didn't do well in PMR. I got 6As out of 9. In my school, there are only 2 streams provided for students; accounting and science. So, students who score above 6As are automatically brought into science stream meanwhile those who don't perform are placed in account stream. Since I didn't meet the requirement, I had to take up accounting instead. Science stream consists of 5 classes meanwhile accounting only has one class and it is known as 'kelas budak tak pandai'. Being thrown away into that class, I was left with no friends because they all went to other classes. I had hard time adjusting myself since I knew nobody except this one girl because we used to be classmates. I tried to make friends but I just couldn't click with anybody so it was pointless. Even after months had passed, I still felt like a stranger in that class. 

I weren't happy at all. I smiled, I laughed but it felt pretentious and fake. I'd convince myself that everything's gonna be fine. The girl that I previously mentioned, she was my deskmate. I thought we could become good friends since we knew each other and we both weren't familiar with our new classmates. But I got it all wrong. She had bright personality and she's friendly so she clicked with them instantly. Without my close friends around, my personality changed drastically. I became quieter and less sociable. We spoke to each other once in awhile... only when it's necessary. She would ignore me most of the times till I got this impression that she maybe didn't like me that much but later on I learned that she's a snake anyway. I've always felt lonely. I've used to not having that many friends. But that entire year, it was the loneliest I've ever felt my whole life. Even though I was surrounded by bunch of people, I felt outcasted and disconnected from the world. As if what was going on around me didn't matter. 

Since I was friendless, I couldn't concentrate on my study at all. I failed three subjects during my first examination. As a result, I was ranked the lowest in class. I didn't bother to study or do homework. I didn't pay attention in class. My least favorite subject was Modern Maths and Add Maths because: 1) they're difficult as hell 2) the teachers were plain rude and insensitive. Sitting through the lessons was a numbing experience for me. Since I could careless about these subjects, I was clueless. Maths isn't my forte so I was pretty slow at it and my teachers would get furious at me. They'd humiliate and mercilessly teased me in front of the class every time I made a mistake. Every so often they would hit me while belittling me, calling me stupid and lembab. I had to endure the humiliation and the urge to cry because I didn't wanna be seen as spoiled and weak. Once class was over, I would run to the bathroom and shed tears. I am a sensitive person. I don't mind physical torture but I can't handle rudeness and harsh words. I wish my teachers knew how much their words had affected me terribly. To the point they destroyed my self-esteem.

Because of that, I despised school (still hate it). I would fake being sick just so I didn't have to go to school. I'd pretend to have fever, heavy cough and migraine. Sometimes I'd take advantage of my asthma. But there were times when I was actually sick. In a month, I'd skip school three to four times and that's considered a lot because my school is very strict regarding attendance. I got called out by my homeroom teacher who happened to be my Mod Maths teacher. When I told her the reasons to my absence, she'd make fun of me, saying things like, 'Ingatkan dah mati'. Istg I'd give her a kick in the face if she wasn't my teacher. It's hard to swallow the truth but teachers can be assholes. After  three months, I finally built up the courage to tell my parents that I wanted a transfer to another school but they refused. They didn't seem to believe me when I told them that the school was giving me a nightmare. Instead, they gave me a whole lecture on how to adapt to this new 'environment'. I shouldn't have gone to them. Involving them with my problems was a mistake.

Since I could barely holding up, I attempted to commit suicide twice. When life doesn't go your way, it's better to just leave from this world than accepting everything. At least that's what I thought.

My first attempt was a para suicide. I was home alone one night. I went to the kitchen to grab something to eat since I was starving. Then I saw a knife on my dining table. I was drawn to it. As if it was calling my name. I stared at it long before I picked it up and pressed it at the back of my wrist. I couldn't feel anything so I pressed it harder. I cut it deeper until the blood oozed out. It was painful but I just wanted to end this emotional suffering. Looking back at my teenage self, I pity her. No one could pay her to relive it. The incessant worry about where she did or did not fit in, the feelings of isolation, the feeling of somewhat removed from her classmates, constant pressures from her teachers, it was the lowest point of her life. She was angry, angry with herself. The pressure was killing her, the pain was blinding her. Hurting herself is a way to defuse the anger that she felt inside and to punish herself. It's also a way of easing out the emotional pain.

My second attempt, I overdosed on 3 packets of flu medications. I was going through a mental breakdown and had already told my parents that I planned on killing myself but they thought I was joking. Tbh, it was indirectly a cry for help. Even though I felt like I wanted to die but deep inside, I just wanted to be saved, to be helped and to show how serious the problems I was having. After taking those medications, I was asleep for the entire day. My parents got weirded out because I didn't once come out of the room. They'd wake me up but I didn't bulge. They realized that it's a suicide attempt once they noticed I had the packet of pills in my hand. I eventually was awaken by my parents' voices calling my name. I was so dizzy, could barely stand straight, everything was tunneling in and fuzzy. I was having hallucinations and shaking uncontrollably. I was severely tired to the point that I didn't even have any energy to get up. My parents offered to take me to the hospital but I didn't want to. I was sick like this for a few days.